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Dr Matt's new book contains many ideas complementary to concepts taught by Arbinger

aSocial Psychologist & Personal Advisor

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Excerpts from
Changing Your Stripes:.
The Social Psychology of Situation, Self, & Solutions
that parallel the principles from.
The Anatomy of Peace.
by Arbinger

The Foundation of the Change Pyramid: Obtaining a Heart of Peace

Lesson 3: "Ultimately, my effectiveness at each level of change depends upon
the deepest level of the pyramid—my way of being."

The title of Dr Matt's book is . . . Changing Your Stripes!

In order to become a new kind of creature—just like a tiger changing her stripes—that change must originate from the core, it must be genuine change from the heart. This is the only change that matters. As C. Terry Warner writes:

* * * * *
"The only change that matters is a change of heart,
every other change alters us cosmetically but not fundamentally,
modifies how we appear, what we do or what we say,
but does not change who we are."
.* * * * *
(Changing Your Stripes, 2nd Edition, page 267)

Here is the intrinsic trap you are in: The very condition of your disposition is naturally
self-perpetuating. You tend to reinforce who you are today, because who you are presently IS the one doing the thinking, perceiving, responding . . . and choosing! This is why people behave in consistent patterns of habit.

How can you possibly think fresh new thoughts using your stale old mindset? Breaking out of this self-perpetuating bind requires that you become a new creature from your core (Changing Your Stripes, 2nd Edition, page 16).

This is where "Changing Your Stripes" offers an insight that is routinely ignored by advocates of "positive-attitude-you-can-choose-your-destiny" doctrines. Indeed, you CAN choose your destiny, but here's the catch: As the legendary trumpet player Louis Armstrong suggested:

"If ya ain't got it in ya, . . . ya can't blow it out!"

All "choices" flow from your "way of being." A way of being which in turn corresponds to a fundamental condition of heart. If a "heart of peace" is not IN YOU, positive and peaceful thoughts, words, and deeds will not flow out!

* * * * * * *

There are dozens of principles detailed in "Changing Your Stripes" that parallel the principles taught in "The Anatomy of Peace." Here are a few more: (Excerpts from the Book are in Blue)

The Self as Body & Be-ing

* * * * *
You are bonded to others through meaningful, linguistic relations.
Your Way of Being IS the way you are "Being-With" another person;
this Verb aspect of Self is literally made possible by the presence of others.
* * * * *

For this reason Chauncey Riddle maintains, "The self is located in the space between two bodies." That "space between" is the communicative expressions we give to others; messages of emotion and meaning that always require both sender and receiver. Your way of being IS this "space between," and exists through the interactive synergy of self-and-other.

* * * * *
Human Beings are more
than the characteristics of Body,
and more than the activities of Doing
and more than the Self-Image they Imagine:
The Most Important Aspect of Self Is
Located In the Space Between Two Bodies
.* * * * *
(Changing Your Stripes, 2nd Edition, page 69)

This is why Human Be-ing has its richest fulfillment within the relational Bonds-of-Love. The verb aspect of self, human being, transcends the boundaries of individual bodies and is expressed in the space-between-two-bodies. Being happens at the heart of each and every relationship. Without others to "be-with," human being cannot . . . "be." Leonardo De Cresenzo conveyed this inseparable synergism with these words:

* * * * *
"We are each of us angels with one wing,
and can only fly embracing each other."
.* * * * *

We literally require each other in order to "be." And because of this bond, we stand before one another in an inherent position of moral obligation. As Mother Teresa put it: "If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other." How we are "being-with" others—our way of being—is the most important facet of self and the most essential expression of our existence. (Changing Your Stripes, 2nd Edition, page 90).

* * * * * * *

Your Way of Seeing the World is inseparably tied to your Way of Being

Whether you acknowledge it or not, who you are IS most fundamentally manifest by the selfish or empathic intents of your heart. Recalling the words of Jesus, "From the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaketh." Just as the mouth speaks according to the conditions of one's heart, it also follows that from the abundance of the heart, the mind thinketh and the eyes seeth.

Your intent of heart determines your way of being with others, and thus your way of seeing the world as well. As Stephen Covey states, "You don't see the world as it is, you see it according to who you are." Thus, you do not perceive your world as raw facts only—facts do not speak for themselves, they require interpretation. It is according to your Acts—whether empathic or selfish—that you bring to the Facts of your world . . . a particular perception and interpretation.

* * * * *
I bring to my world, perceptions of dismay and darkness,
because of the darkness within me. I see and
experience my world with anxiousness,
because of my own inner anguish;
I see falsely, . . . because I am false.
My worldview Changes . . . as I Change.
As I choose Love, I see a World that is only
seen and experienced through the eyes of Love:
A vibrant & exciting World full of Hope & Opportunity.
.* * * * *.

When you are being empathic you are not only being Loving, your very Being IS Love, . . . and Being Love is the highest attainment of existence and purpose. Human Be-ing has its richest fulfillment within the relational Bonds-of-Love (Changing Your Stripes, 2nd Edition, page 89).

* * * * * * *

Your Way of Being will Impact Others in Two Fundamental Ways

* * * * *
Every human act . . . has an impact.
By virtue of mutually impactful relations,
the human world is inherently a moral context.
We inescapably impact each other to either:
Betterment or Detriment.
.* * * * *
(Changing Your Stripes, 2nd Edition, page 85)

* * * * *
As I face fellow beings, I can impact others to
their growth & betterment, in Bonds of Love, . . . I-Thou,
I can "live" something less, and impact others
to their loss & detriment, in Bonds of Anguish, . . . I-It.
In every moment there is opportunity to Be-Loving,
and as I fail to embrace this Way-of-Being,
by default, I choose something less,
I "am" something less.
.* * * * *
(Changing Your Stripes, 2nd Edition, page 86).

* * * * * * *

Helping Things Go Right

Being proactive in "helping things go right" means that we are Response-Able for the actions and reactions that flow from us in response to circumstance. "Changing Your Stripes" explains proactivity in terms of complete, no-excuses Response-Ablilty.

        The Division of Response-Ability:
         If It Comes Out of You . . . It is Yours!

OFFENSIVE                                                 OFFENDED

While offensive behavior may necessarily Capture your
Attention, the hurtful actions of others cannot
Cause the Character of your Response.

Being Response-Able means that you are Able to Respond according to your choosing, according to your free will; every human being is Response-Able for the actions and reactions that he/she personally authors--to include all thoughts, behaviors, motives, and emotions (Changing Your Stripes, 2nd Edition, page 20).

* * * * *
In this Life, I am not only Response-Able for all
Thoughts, Words, and Deeds that proceed from me,
but my Highest Response-Ability is to ultimately learn to
answer every adversity with the Motives and Emotions of Love.
.* * * * *.
(Changing Your Stripes, 2nd Edition, page 240).

* * * * * * *

Understanding the Heart Metaphor

Fundamental change occurs as true principles are loved and lived, yet how can YOU possibly love and live principles of truth unless the disposition to do so . . . is in you? Thus, you need a new Heart that inherently feels to love and live the truth.

Although we speak of it as something within, “Heart” is not really something in you, rather it is an activity you are in. Self-introspection of the body-self in not something you can actually do; this look "inside" yourself is just a way of talking (words playing tricks again). If you take a literal look “inside” you will only find a couple of kidneys and a lung or two; hence, personal guidance and fulfillment is not really found inside of you. In contrast, the look “inside” the self as be-ing can literally be accomplished—an examination of your relations, how you are being-with others.

“Heart” is a metaphor that represents your relational harmony with other things and beings—to include beings of spirit. On the Light side of harmony is clear communion with the Creator; and on the dark side sings a sinister harmony, a duet with the devil. This dark duet is the reason and reality behind the words: "hard heart." So to start with the best questions . . . that will lead to the best solutions, it is best to focus upon the vital communion you are in—this is the meaning of "Heart."

Mortal life means living in a dialogue with all living beings and things: a conversation with people, plants, animals, the earth's physical features, material property and possessions—and permeating every moment of this empirical conversation is the inescapable dialogue with spirit beings of both darkness and Light.

Contrary to common belief, thinking is never really done alone; it’s always done in duet! So when focus is mistakenly given to an individualistic mental monologue of self-talk affirmations and brain programming, three things occur:

       * Focus upon YOU defeats true self-discovery,
       * The Divine Dialogue is disconnected,
       * By default, you dance with the devil.
         (Changing Your Stripes, 2nd Edition, page 267)..

* * * * * * *

Seeking Allies to support one's Justifying Story

Dancing with darkness means going against Life's Inherent Love & Light. People who are out of harmony will spontaneously seek to bring things back into balance. Balance can be sought through the Heart OR the Head. The former approach consistently brings Peace, and the latter approach maintains inner agitation.

People who are truly justified in their thoughts, words, and deeds enjoy inner peace; therefore, they do not seek outward approval or campaign for popular votes, because they have no use for them. In contrast, people who go against their own sense of what is right, do so for the benefit of an outside audience from whom they wish to get votes of outward validation.

* * * * *
People who are inwardly unsettled seek the supportive votes
of others, precisely because they don't have the only vote
that counts: the Vote of Inward Validation.
.* * * * *.

When a person's life is in harmony, lobbying for lesser votes is not needed because the only Vote that counts is already secured. Those who anxiously need the popular vote and fretfully seek the popular vote, will also tend to maintain self-made misery because it is useful in gleaning sympathy through the vote-getting process (Changing Your Stripes, 2nd Edition, page 30).

* * * * * * *

Tell-Tale Signs of Betrayal

Betrayal is a word to describe moments when a human being is out of harmony with his or her own sense of truth. As Shakespeare expressed, "To thine own self be true, therefore thou canst not be false to any man." Betrayal means being false to yourself, as well as to others. When you go against your own sense of goodness, you lose Life's inherent harmony; inner conflict is created and outward signs seep to the surface.

* * * * *
When I go against my own sense of Truth,
I go against myself, . . . I am false.
Being false, the way I experience the world is colored by my falseness:
I see darkness in my world, because of the darkness in me.
My thinking, my emotions, and how I behave
are all tainted by betrayal.
My search for solutions is skewed;
It is wrong, . . . . because I am wrong.
.* * * * *.

A thorough understanding of the tell-tale signs of betrayal can provide awareness sufficient to catch yourself and correct your course. The patterns are predictable and observable; they are signs central to the aim of Un-Doing! Seeing these signs in yourself will provide a huge clue . . . to what you need to Un-Do (Changing Your Stripes, 2nd Edition, page 173).

Dr Matt says: "the Tell-Tale Signs of Betrayal are described in detail in my book
as well as more principles that parallel the Anatomy of Peace."

You Need to Put your Peepers on the Words of My Book!

* * * * * * *

The Greatest Prize
for Life's labors isn't
in material possessions
or impressive accomplishments,
but in the progress of personal character.
You labor for your own becoming, this is your richest reward.
Who You Become is your greatest possession,
make it your Masterpiece!

(Changing Your Stripes, 2nd Edition, page 274).

"Changing Your Stripes" presents principles for getting out of
the ditch in which you've been dumped (the difficulties of which you are a victim),
and the ditch in which you've jumped (the difficulties for which you volunteer).

If the principles Dr Matt expresses to you,
resonate and ring true, . . . then
this book is for you!

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Changing Your Stripes is a
unique reference book that will help
you understand, . . .
and solve all of
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Changing Your Stripes

Social Psychologist & Personal Advisor

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