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Married, and Falling In Love with Another Man

Hello again, Dr Matt:

Thank you for helping me with my previous problem! Why I am confused now, I am falling in love with my ex, that I have a child by. We were very young (16) when we split up, it probably was a stupid reason why we split, I can't even remember why. Anyway I am now married to a guy that I have been with for the past 11 yrs.

We just got married because he joined the military. I feel like we only got married because he joined the military, we have never discussed marriage before. When he decided to join he told me that we would have to get married, we also have a 7 yr old child together, so that way our children will get all the benefits. I feel that I married him because i am use to him, and that I know he can take care of me, and because I really do not have anywhere to go, I can not make it on my own.

As far as my ex goes, we talk a whole lot every day. I have never stopped loving him. He is in a relationship that he doesn't want to be in, we both want to be together, and try our relationship out, since we didn't get to the first time. I have always believed in second chances, and I didn't give him a second chance.

What would you do if you were in a situation like this one?

tucson, az
female- 29

Related Article: Just as Fish Swim . . . Cheaters Cheat!

Dear Teresa:

I remember you. Your last letter concerned "how you might get your girlfriend to STOP thinking about her ex." Maybe your previous letter wasn't about a "girlfriend" . . . but it was really about YOU.

In either case, ironically, yesterday's message . . . applies to you today!

All the time and emotion you are investing into your "ex" . . . is called . . . cheating on your husband. As long as you persist in thinking about your "ex," you are proving yourself to be a woman who lacks integrity. Living without honor always leads to confusion and sadness. This is precisely WHY you are "confused."

Let's imagine that you were to divorce your husband, and then begin a new relationship with your "ex" . . . here is what will inevitably happen: After many months or years of being in a relationship with your "ex," . . . you will eventually find yourself EXACTLY back where you are today: Wondering if you should stay in this relationship, BECAUSE another man appears on the horizon . . . and you allow yourself to "fall in love" with this other man.

The excitement of a NEW and FRESH romance is very enticing after years and years of routine in your present marriage, and this is precisely WHY so many people cheat: the NEW FRESH EXCITEMENT of romance and falling in love is like a drug.

If you allow yourself to "fall" . . . you will constantly be "falling" the rest of your life, and whatever man you are currently with (now and in the future), will never be as exciting as what you see on the other side of the hill; it's a never ending cycle called "the-grass-is-always-greener" syndrome.

I recommend that you Live with honor. This is where happiness will be found! And live to truly love the man with whom you've made vows of "holy matrimony" — vows that you will love him with the "love that stands," and not a "love that falls."

Surely you are hiding the frequent conversations with your "ex" from your husband. Therefore, what you are doing is dishonorable — it shows a lack of integrity in you. And it also shows a lack of integrity in your "ex," . . . for you say he is also IN a relationship. So he's cheating on his girlfriend as he talks to you, and wishes he was with you.

Guess what? Every man who wants to have sex with the woman he's talking to . . . will say, "He is in a relationship that he doesn't want to be in." And when he GETS in a relationship with you . . . there will also be another woman that he will deliver the same worn-out line to (behind your back): "I'm in a relationship I don't want to be in."

What you SEE . . . is what you GET. He's cheating on his girlfriend NOW, and he will most likely cheat on you in the FUTURE, if you rekindle a relationship with him.

The way of Honor is this: To BE MARRIED . . . while you ARE MARRIED, and to give your whole heart to your husband. Since you believe in second chances, try giving your husband a second chance — but this time, put your whole heart into loving ONLY him.

Be honest with yourself: Right now, you are NOT giving your whole heart to your husband.

IF you can love your husband in a fully-committed way, then you show yourself to be a woman of integrity. Currently, you are "cheating"—at least emotionally, if not sexually.

The cheating cycle has to stop a some point in time, otherwise your entire life will be spent WANTING what's on the other side of the hill where the grass is always greener. This is precisely why one of the ten commandments is this:

"Thou shalt not covet" (Exodus 20:17)

God is perfectly wise! He knew that "coveting" would be a problem for many people—and He was right.

You will be most happy when you can live your life with complete honesty and integrity. While you are "married" it is inappropriate and dishonorable to be thinking in terms of "second chances" for a man who is NOT your husband.

Again, one of the primary reasons why you are presently "confused" . . . is because the thoughts you are entertaining are NOT good ones. When you DO the wrong thing . . . confusion is the result. In contrast, when you DO the right thing, you will live joyfully in your relationships, and have peace in your heart and clarity of mind.

I'm hoping that you will choose to CHANGE and if you're serious about this essential goal, my book will be a valuable "road map" in that most essential journey.

Live with honor! Let this be the legacy that you pass on to your children.


Matt Moody, Ph.D.
Social Psychologist

* * * * * * *

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