Social Psychologist & Personal Advisor

Below is Dr Matt's Answer
to a Burning Question

Dream Woman is not Cooperating with my Dream

Hello Hello Dr. Matt
 
My name is Monte and I am 33 and a single male from Montreal, Canada.
 
A friend of mine has asked me the following: she wants to settle thoughts on her mind and perhaps find out my feelings towards her. I answered that I have very strong feelings and I find myself thinking about her and when she is not in my thoughts, magic happens and something reminds me of her and I smile and feel warm.

Unfortunately, she says bluntly told me that she considers me purely AS A FRIEND. Then she asked me, "do you cross the line and wish for us to be more than friends?" My response was bluntly..."yes" (not so much a wish but more a WANT).

I normally take the attitude of "live and let live." But her response to me really burned my heart.

After other people meet us and see us together, they tell me how they feel that real love can exist and drive a person to make it real for their lives. Encouraged by this feedback from friends, I approached this dream girl and told her that I wanted to make that "love" real with us.

She straightforwardly told me that "I don't even ask those questions about us." Then she added: "I was wondering if you have thought of me in sexual terms or wanted to go further past friendship?"

Of course, my answer was "yes!"

Then she abruptly ended our conversation, then said that she does not want to talk to me anymore. Since then, I have not seen or heard from her.

Was I wrong in telling the truth or should I have lied to her?

Thank you
Confused in Canada

Hello Monte:

If "wrong" is measured by getting the results you personally want, . . . then you were "wrong." But if "wrong" is determined by whether you are True to your own sense of what is good--THEN you were, most likely, NOT wrong.

It is clear to me that you were being "who you are," and this girl didn't "go for it"--that's life. You have to expect that others will be in charge of their preferences and decisions—and she has decided: No!

If you will enter into male-female relationship with realistic expectations, you must EXPECT that women will not always cooperate with your preferences and desires.

When you finally meet a woman who FLOWS with your preferences and desires, AND in addition, you also have that "click" of physical chemistry, THEN you get to enter the enjoyable euphoria of "falling in love." While this is an intoxicating experience, it is NOT the best foundation from which to establish a relationship that will endure through time--through thick and thin. Thus, "standing in love" is the goal that you need to focus on. Read this description of the highest kind of Love.

Coincidentally, in my book "Changing Your Stripes," there are a few sections that will clarify your question along subtle avenues that few people ever perceive or consider. Here are the section headings:

                  * Discerning between Fact & Truth
                  * Being Right versus Being True
                  * Being Blunt versus Being Honest

To briefly address the first of these headings, FACT is a technically correct statement; on the other hand, TRUTH is the whole statement of one's total Being--word, deed, motive, and emotion.

Thus, you can't simply "tell" the Truth, because what you say from your mouth must also be congruent with True actions, motives, and emotions. This means, you can say technically accurate statements, and have manipulative motives and emotions behind your FACTUAL words--this does NOT constitute Truth!

You should always BE TRUTHFUL in every aspect of your BEING.
This way, you will be happy, and enjoy inner peace.

There are many people who are good at manipulating others by enticing and flattering words--they are called "con men." They "lie" intentionally to manipulate others in order to GET what they personally want. If you wanted to be a "con man," you could possibly fool this girl into doing what you desire--for a time, but eventually the fake facade will crumble. Here is an excerpt from my book, on this exact issue:

Those who sell flashy facades are motivated by the fear that who they are is not good enough. Insecure people require a mask to hide behind, and thus, they promote personal ad campaigns; only people who feel inwardly inadequate have a need to put up a front.

Image-Managers advance a superficial image of what they think will be acceptable to others, and to monitor what other people are thinking, image-managers continually primp in the social mirror. Getting praise and approval from others is the gas that fuels egocentric engines; those who try to sell a false facade anxiously work to win the popular vote.

Image-Managers are manipulators. The outward facade is manipulated . . . so that others might be manipulated. Carl Rogers said of false facades, "In my relationships with persons I have found that it does not help, in the long-run, to act as though I were something that I am not." And funny girl, Fanny Brice, advised:

* * * * *
"Let the world know you as you are,
not as you think you should be, because
sooner or later, if you are posing,
you will forget the pose, and
then where are you?"
* * * * *
(Changing Your Stripes, page 98)

Because it is possible to manipulate others by a lie, this explains WHY you asked your question in the way you did: "should I have lied to her?"

Now, if you're coming from a secular/atheist perspective of Life, THEN, it is a FACT that you may have been able to manipulate this girl with a "lie," but then you would need to continue to "fake her out" to keep her under your deceptive spell. Unfortunately, many romance movies that you see, subtly foster this "manipulation" motive.

The "manipulation" mindset only makes sense if you assume that there is no Creator, and that you evolved from dolphins. If there is no God, selfishly feeding your hedonistic appetite with any lie you can conjure may "work" temporarily, but we know that it is NOT functional in the longrun. The fact is that all acts of dishonesty will come back to bite you in the butt--it called "karma" in eastern philosophy and it called "the law of the harvest" in the Bible.

If you will simply live True to your inherent sense of what is good--the indelible impressions of your heart--this most important aim will functionally serve you all your days. From the reality and presence of TRUTHFUL BEING, you will naturally attract to you the same kind of person you are. Here is how I say it in my book:

Attraction flows, it cannot be forced.
In the end, You attract to you, who you are:  Like attracts Like!
Falling in love is but the finding of yourself in another,
and the Delight in that Discovery!
Attraction flows naturally:  No pushing or pulling,
no begging or coaxing, no tricky manipulations,
Just comfortable compatibility,
straight forward and real, . . . mutually felt.

(Changing Your Stripes, the Manual, page 5-9)

It's abundantly clear to me, that this women was not right for you; if she were, you and her would still be hitting it off. Relationships rarely fail because of one or two awkward moments or blunt statements.

I recommend that you don't worry at all about carefully crafting your words in the future, with the motive of maximizing responses from others that please you. Forget this approach: It's selfish and it's manipulative.

Be True, Be Honorable, and let your words and behavior flow from the Honor and Purity of your Being. Again, you will naturally attract a woman that complements you at this same level of Integrity. This blessing will flow to you without any coaxing or manipulation as let virtue and honesty be the foundation upon which you stand.

Sincerely,

Matt Moody, Ph.D.
Social Psychologist

* * * * * * *

The Greatest Prize
for Life's labors isn't
in material possessions
or impressive accomplishments,
but in the progress of personal character.
You labor for your own becoming, this is your richest reward.
Who You Become is your greatest possession,
make it your Masterpiece!
(Changing Your Stripes, 2nd Edition, page 274).

The book, "Changing Your Stripes" presents principles for getting out of
the ditch in which you've been dumped (the difficulties of which you are a victim), and
the ditch in which you've jumped (the difficulties for which you volunteer).

"Mastering a challenging situation
is ultimately a matter of
mastering yourself!"
- Matt Moody 

"Changing Your Stripes," teaches you the principles that lead to lasting change,
making you a new kind of creature capable of communicating
with calm, even as storms of contention swirl.

If these principles resonate and ring true,
then . . . this book is for you!

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Changing Your Stripes is a
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you understand, . . . and solve all of
Life's ever-appearing problems.
Here are more reasons to buy
Changing Your Stripes

Social Psychologist & Personal Advisor