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Social Psychologist & Personal Advisor

Below is Dr Matt's Answer
to a Burning Question


After the Marriage, a Different Man Appeared!

Marsha, Maryland, 35, Married

we met on the Internet a year ago, i fell in love with him and he did me ,we could talk about anything and we had such a bond, we exchanged emails , gifts and talked for hours on the phone, he was so caring, so i came over to spend 3 months with him, his job was sales and spent nearly every day working, from 8 am to 10 pm which i spent most of the time alone with no where to go.
We was very intimate, always touching and kissing each other. 
We had a few teething problems but we got used to it. 

But we decided that we loved each other and wanted a life together so we decided to make plans .
I had to go back to Scotland at this time arranging my K1 visa we were separated for over 6 months.
We missed each other drastically and i was falling apart finally i got to come back over here and we planned our wedding and so we had  a church marriage.

Now we have only been married 6 weeks this week and he's changed so much, he is not intimate with me at all, we don't hardly kiss and cuddle.
And when we make love (WHEN that rarely happens!) he does not kiss me and i am feeling rejection, when i confront him about it , he says i am overreacting and i need to see a councilor, i actually asked him if he found me attractive.

He is having so much stress through work, but  we said that we would get through anything together, if we could do it apart. But it does not make any difference, he just reacts bad and starts getting worked up, and i am scared to talk with him now, very scared.

I don't say anything as i might say the wrong thing, so i take off to get away because i feel so alone.
I keep finding un  opened letters , and the other day by accident i pulled one out that had been opened and it said that he owes $12,000 to a debt collector, from before he met me. I know he had debt, well some i did and i accepted this, as i accepted him, and what he had been.

I was going to confront him about it, but i am so scared to get his reaction.
I am really thinking of going back to Scotland and giving up, i know it seems bad of me and an easy way out, i should try, but i cannot live like this. I am really scared of what will happen to me and what i might do as i love him so much. It is so much of a longer story but this is the shortest i could make it.
Do you think I should see a psychiatrist? Is it me?
Thank You,

Dear Marsha:

Based upon the information you've shared, I don't think you need to see a psychiatrist, and this situation is NOT just about you.

The fact that you are afraid of his reaction, if you confront him, tells me two things:

1) He's a controlling man, and
2) You are a control-able woman--but hopefully, NOT for too much longer.

The good news is that you're reaching out to find answers, and as long as you keep searching for solutions . . . you will find them.

It is NOT unusual for a newly married couple to discover, that the person they are married to . . . is NOT the same person that they knew, through the courtship.

I suspect that your husband is good enough at manipulation and control, that he was able to put on a "false facade" of the kind of man he knew you would like. This behavior lasted long enough to obtain the goal of his manipulation (to be married to you). If you feel like a "possession" or an "object," . . . this fits the pattern.

Now that he "has" you, . . . he's showing you who he really is. If you were married to a person of high integrity and honesty . . . you could expect the SAME relationship you had in your courtship, to continue in your marriage.

The truth is . . . if you had to do it over again, you could likely recognize the RED FLAGS that were always there from the beginning. If you decide to divorce/annul your marriage, and return to England, you will absolutely be a BETTER woman because you had this experience--so don't lose HOPE.

Every adversity in this life can be a "building block" instead of a "stumbling block"--and the difference is NOT merely how you direct a determined will, it has to do your spiritual foundations, and spiritual connections.

Another RED FLAG that I see in you . . . was revealed when you spoke of your 6 month separation (prior to getting married) . . . you said:

"We missed each other drastically and i was falling apart."

You will learn that IF you want to "attract" a man of integrity and emotional stability: YOU must be the same. And this type of woman . . . does NOT "fall apart" due to a simple separation (but NOT due to much more challenging circumstances either).

The pattern of controlling men is this: they are able to FIND women who NEEDS a man, or else they "fall apart." Your "neediness" is something you need to CHANGE in order to become the woman you need to be . . . and ought to be.

If your husband were WILLING to see his bad habits and work on changing them, . . . then I would say that you may have a situation worth continued effort. But if he takes the attitude of the typical controlling man—"it's your fault that I'm acting this way"—then, honestly, leaving is NOT the just the "easy way" . . . it might also be the BEST WAY.

Stay LONG ENOUGH to give him a fair chance to CHANGE, . . . and to give yourself a fair chance to LEARN what you can learn, before leaving (because he refuses to OWN and CHANGE his stuff).

Now, since I've written a book on CHANGE, . . . I know how the process works, and it doesn't happen by merely telling yourself you want to CHANGE (as if you could program your brain—which is a popular but erroneous assumption). The only lasting CHANGE occurs from the Heart: Read this page at my website to get an INTRO to the Change of Heart.

It takes the commitment of TWO to make a marriage, but only the decision of ONE to break it. While it may be YOU who decides to "leave" and make the separation "official," . . . it will be his lack of "honesty" from the beginning, and his current lack of effort to OWN and CHANGE (if this be the case) that will "break" the bond between you.

Again, I speak of "honesty" . . . because, you entered into this relationship because he was able to "fool" you. (Which also means you are fool-able). So we live and learn.

Another mistake on your part--that you GET TO OWN--is that you "fell" in love. In the future . . . you must realize that the BEST RELATIONSHIPS do not "fall." Instead, they "stand!" It's pretty easy to establish a connection of FALLING "attraction" and "chemistry" with someone, for a short time (as you have). It takes more insight, patience, and maturity to be able to find a "friend" who will remain your "friend," after the wedding ceremony! And of course, you need to find a "friend" that you have the attraction and chemistry for, as well.

Read more about the Love that Stands.

Whether you decide to "leave" or "stay," I recommend that you read my book. It will teach you the principles you need to learn . . . in order to make this experience a "building block" . . . instead of a "stumbling block."

If you buy my book, then, I invite you to schedule a free telephone consultation.

As we talk on the phone, I can personally point out the pages in the book, that detail the principles that are applicable to your situation, and are also application to CHANGING these three weaknesses:

          1)   Being Needy
        2)   Being Control-able
        3)   Being Fool-able

The saying goes: "Those who look behind closed doors, once hide there themselves." I know what it means to be "fooled" . . . precisely because I've been "fooled" myself—and now, I'm stronger and wiser for the experience.

The lyrics to "The Who" hit applies:

        The change, it had to come, we knew it all along . . .
        We don't get fooled again . . . no no!

I'm hoping that you will choose to confront the CHANGES you personally need to make, and if you're serious about this essential goal, my book can be a valuable "road map" in that essential journey.


Matt Moody, Ph.D.
Social Psychologist

* * * * * * *

The Greatest Prize
for Life's labors isn't
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(Changing Your Stripes, 2nd Edition, page 274).

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Social Psychologist & Personal Advisor

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