Social Psychologist & Personal Advisor

Dr Matt's Archive of Answers
to Burning Questions

Falling in Love is Mostly Intense Attraction
The Love that Falls is Not True Love: 
Standing is Better than Falling 

Dear Matt,

Hi, my name is Lauren. I'm 17 years old and I live in Wisconsin. I've known this guy named Scotty since this last december— he's 19. We dated on & off and right now, we are pretty good. he is a confusing guy though. one minute , he says we are "talking" and the next, he says we are a couple. And he tells people i'm his girlfriend. Several weeks ago, he told me that he is in love with me. And a couple days ago, he admitted to me that he doesn't know if he is in love with me. I love him with all my heart . I've fallen hard for him. So it did hurt me when he said that. And i told him that. He said that he loves me alot and cares about my well-being and that he thinks about me all the time, wondering and hoping that i'm okay everyday.

I know he loves me. But he says he needs to figure out if he is in love with me himself since he has no one to talk to for advice. I am confused because when we are together, everything is good. We show affection; holding and kissing each other. He is always all over me. It just feels right. I don't understand his mind sometimes. lol I don't know. I don't know what to do. And also, i'm a singer and he is a producer so he is helping me with my career and i feel like he is concerned that our relationship will get affected with the business. i just help.

I would just like to know if i should find another manager so our relationship won't get affected. And also, i don't know if i should wait for him to figure out if he is in love with me. What are the signs of someone falling in love? I mean i know that i'm in love with him. I just hope he is in love with me. I realllly need your help because i've been stressing and thinkin about this all the time.

Related Articles: Lasting Love: The Love that is Chosen, The Love that Stands
Dealing with Irritating, Insulting People in a Frustrating Environment
Choosing a Love That Stands & Never Fails, vs. Falling In & Out of Love

Dear Lauren,

You say that Scotty is "concerned that our relationship will get affected with the business." One way or the other, he's right:

         If you have a great relationship, it is make the business better.
         If you have a bad relationship, it will make the business worse.

Another question you ask is this: "What are the signs of someone falling in love?"

"Falling in love" is easily defined, . . . one relationship at a time. Just ask a person who is "falling in love" WHY he or she likes to be with another person; yhey will inevitably end up defining what "falling in love" means to them. Here are some of the ways that people might define "falling in love."

1) Falling In Love means, you like the way a person looks, he's gorgeous to look at. And because he is gorgeous, you may get a rush out of being seen with him.

2) Falling In Love means, you like the way another person touches you; you like hugging and kissing him -- maybe you like having sex with him.

3) Falling In Love means, you like a person's way of being; their way of expressing -- how they are happy, enthusiastic, curious, thoughtful, kind, etc. You Like a man's personality; being around this man make you happy. This man delights you.

4) Falling in Love might mean, any combination of the Attraction of Looks, Sex, or Personality.

There are other things that "Falling In Love" can mean for different people. The particular version that you have for this guy includes a sense of commitment to him — a commitment that he's not willing to give back to you.

Based upon what you've written, the fact that he has to figure out IF he's "in love" with you, MEANS that he's not. Most likely, as long as you are willing to let him have "affection; holding and kissing" and let him be "always all over" you, he will most likely receive the physical pleasure you give, without returning any kind of commitment.

The saying goes:
"Girls offer sex in hopes of getting love, and guys offer love in hopes of getting sex -- both are cheated."

But "Falling In Love" is NOT the highest kind of love. The Love that Falls is a fleeting feeling of being attracted to another person in some way, and the "feeling" is typically temporary. You hear of "Falling In Love," and also "falling out of Love." But Why FALL in the first place. Why not Stand instead. read this description of a higher kind of love: The Love that Stands!

Different from being blinded by the fleeting feelings of Falling In Love, The Love that Stands is the Kind of Love you need to look for and find with a man who's willing to give you this fully committed-kind of Love back at the same level of intensity that you are giving.

Instead of finding another manager, you may need to find new boy friend. Any person who needs to "figure out" if they want to give you any commitment, is NOT the right guy for you. If he's a good manager, keep him. If not, go find a new manager too!

Tell me more about Scotty?

Sincerely,
Dr Matt

Matt Moody, Ph.D.
Social Psychologist
ChangingYourStripes.com


Dear Dr. Matt,

Here's more about Scotty:

He is a complicated guy. He doesn't think like other people. When he has a situation that is difficult or important, it takes him a while to think about it. He says he loves me all the time and i can tell he's telling the truth when i look into his eyes. So when he says he has to figure it out if he's in love with me, i don't think it means he is not because he would have told me already. I think he just has to think about it for a while. And also, the whole manager thing, we were dating way before this manager thing came up. I don't think i should give up our relationship just because of this. We aren't having any problems with mixing the two right now. idk

And he also said the other day that we are together so committment doesn't seem like the problem right now. Thanks for helping me!

Lauren

Dear Lauren,

You don't really want to accept reality. You've fallen so hard for this guy, that you WANT only to hear that he will be your guy, and that the two of you will be in Love.

Yes, when he says "he has to figure it out if he's in love with me" that DOES mean that he doesn't love you, especially in terms of the highest kind of Love. Take time to carefully read about the kind of Love that should be your Goal:

www.CallDrMatt.com/LastingLove.htm

At the previous page of my website, the photo you see of the couple who are "in love" and "love each other" beyond mere attraction, is my second son and his wife.

When he says that he loves you, Javier can't be speaking of the highest kind of love. Instead, he is speaking about some form of attraction or pleasurable benefit that he gets from being with you. For most young couples, the words "I love you" translate to: "I love the way you look, I love being seen with you because you are hot, and I love hugging, kissing, and having sex with you."

If you don't know this yet, it's time to listen and learn: WORDS ARE CHEAP and ACTION means everything! The words "I love you," are secondary to what he is saying with his actions. Words don't mean much when they are not backed up with action.

Because you are so fixed upon what you WANT and DESIRE, you hope that the words that come from his mouth, "I love you," mean something more than they do. You are in Denial about his NULLIFYING statement: "he admitted to me that he doesn't know if he is in love with me"

Your guy is not unique, he's like a million other guys who hold back from full commitment for particular reasons: For example, he may still be looking around for someone new? (that's the most common reason, trying to find someone better, more exciting). You can know what Javier is up to, by simply watching what he does, and comparing his ACTIONS to his WORDS -- when they don't line up, and match each other, something Wrong.

The following words of hesitation, "he has to figure it out if he's in love with me," absolutely mean something in regard to his true feelings about having a fully committed relationship with you.

The saying goes, "Love is blind." This is completely true for you. You refuse to read his complexity and his contradictions as RED FLAGS. You will only understand the wisdom of my words, down the road, after this relationship has ended and you have healed your broken heart.

Believe his actions, NOT HIS WORDS.

When relationships do not FLOW, they are not RIGHT in some way. Your relationship is NOT FLOWING. How can I tell? Because you are writing to me, trying to figure out this "complicated" guy you need to "figure out" if he loves you.

The BEST kind of guys (and girls) are the one's that are NOT complicated.

You see, when a person lives life with pure honestly and integrity, Life happens with straightforward simplicity. In contrast, people who are betraying the Truth within them, to some extent, live lives that are complex and confusing. Here's what I wrote 5 years ago, when I first published my book "Changing Your Stripes."

Recovering the True You requires a complete mask removal—whether that mask is of Victim or Victor. Recovery requires you to put your selfish ego upon the sacrificial alter, and burn it to ashes. The Self as Advertised must die for the True Self to live! So which Self will survive? Will it be the self of flashy superficiality...OR...the self of integrity and simplicity?

Agendas to push, reputations to prove
always on the go . . . busy, hurried, harried.
There is another way to live, there can be calm & flowing ease
where layers of complexity peel away, . . . the pace relaxes.
For there is no other place to be but . . . Here
and no other time to live but . . . Now.
There is nothing more important
than savoring the moment
with the ones we love.
Living Simply, . . . Simply Living!

Living Simply means living in the moment with all your Heart, wholly being in the “here and now,” and not traveling somewhere else in your Head. Simple Living means not wasting mental energy through worry, suspicion, fretting, or fear. Living Simply means losing your personal ad campaign — the death of the self as advertised. Simple Living means being honest and straight-forward with others.

Living Simply means losing the egocentric orientation of ME and acquiring the loving orientation of WE. Simply Living is located in loving relations: “We are each of us angels with one wing, and can only fly embracing each other.”

Lauren, you asked me this question: "What are the signs of someone falling in love?"

One of the definite RED FLAG signs that "falling in love" is NOT happening is revealed by his actions: "he has to figure it out if he's in love with me."

As I've written previously "falling in love" is NOT the highest kind of Love. "Falling in Love" is the Love that is UNSTABLE -- it's the Love that eventually Fails precisely because it Falls. It's the Love behind marriages that end in divorce.

To focus upon the Signs of Falling In Love, is look in the wrong direction and have the wrong goal. I encourage you to keep your Heart and Mind fixed upon developing and finding the Highest Kind of Love: The Love that Stands.

What people call "Falling In Love," is really boils down to "Attraction" and the "Pleasurable Benefits" from associating with certain Attractive People.

Here's an excerpt from my book, that describes how great relationships unfold:

Attraction flows, it cannot be forced.
In the end, You attract to you, who you are:  Like attracts Like!
Falling in love is but the finding of yourself in another,
and the Delight in that Discovery!
Attraction flows naturally:  No pushing or pulling,
no begging or coaxing, no tricky manipulations,
Just comfortable compatibility,
straight forward and real, . . . mutually felt

Good luck with finding the Love that Stands with a guy with integrity — a man who lives life with honest simplicity.

Sincerely,
Dr Matt

Matt Moody, Ph.D.
Social Psychologist
ChangingYourStripes.com

Dr Matt:

i understand what you are saying but his actions do show that he loves me. he calls me all the time  and we talk everyday. he cares about my well being. do you think i should break up with him?

Thanks again for taking time to help me!

Lauren

Dear Lauren,

Life happens specifically, and NOT generally. We create distorted conceptions in our minds when we believe our GENERAL WORD DESCRIPTIONS more than SPECIFIC LIFE REALITY.

Here's REALITY: The man that you love is sending contradictory signals. Let this REALITY BE whatever it is . . . and don't try to make it better or worse than it IS, by believing over-GENERALIZING words. Remember, IF you have to try to convince yourself, that means You are NOT convinced.

If you have to Rationalize in your head about your relationship with Javier, that's a tell-tale sign that things are NOT right. Read this about Rationalizing: www.CallDrMatt.com/Justifying.htm

For example you say . . . "his actions do show that he loves me" When you use these words . . . you are over-GENERALIZING and Rationalizing. You are ignoring the SPECIFIC REALITY that he said to you: "he has to figure it out if he's in love with me."

Further, when you use the term "love," you are also over-GENERALIZING the SPECIFIC meaning of that word, as it applies to Javier's feelings and perceptions toward You.

Remember what I wrote to you a few days ago:

"When he says that he loves you, Scotty can't be speaking of the highest kind of love.  Instead, he is speaking about some form of attraction or pleasurable benefit that he gets from being with you.  For most young couples, the words "I love you" translate to:  "I love the way you look, I love being seen with you because you are hot, and I love hugging, kissing, and having sex with you."

Because Scotty's so-called "love" LACKS full commitment to You, his "love" CANNOT be the Highest Kind of Love -- the Love the Stands and does not fail or fall.

Recall the excerpt from my book that describes how great relationships happen:

Attraction flows, it cannot be forced.
In the end, You attract to you, who you are:
Like attracts Like! Falling in love is but the finding
of yourself in another, and the Delight in that Discovery!
Attraction flows naturally:  No pushing or pulling,
no begging or coaxing, no tricky manipulations,
Just comfortable compatibility,
straight forward and real, . . .
mutually felt

Your relationship with Scotty is NOT flowing because he openly admits a HESITATION to fully commit to You. Your commitment to him is NOT "mutually felt" and being returned to You.

You will know more about whether this half-committed relationship will work out, in time. If it doesn't work, which is what I suspect will happen, then here is what I advise you to do in the future:

Get to know a man first before physical intimacy advances. Find a man who will be your best friend. Friendship is the foundation of all great relationships. Before physical intimacy is expressed, develop the Highest Kind of Love FIRST — the kind of Love that Stands and does not Fall or Fail

The best way to MOVE ON and heal your heart (when your relationship with Scotty does not work out) is to focus upon CHANGING YOU. The more common approach to this kind of situation, is to WISH and HOPE that the your man might CHANGE -- that things might be magical, fresh and new, as they were from the start.

Wishing and Hoping for him to CHANGE is futile and frustrating. Why? Because You cannot control his decisions, and neither should you try. He will make his own choices; and you've seen how he has chosen to wonder IF he is really in love with you. RED FLAG. Read and accept the signals!

As you change, you will become a different woman. As a different woman, you will then attract a completely different array of men -- men who are not currently attracted to you -- as You Are Now. And here's the Great News: As you become a better woman, you will naturally attract a better man -- a man who will be your best friend, AND a man who will give you his full commitment, as you give your full commitment to him -- mutually chosen and mutually felt.

You need to become a Better Woman who is capable of attracting and nurturing the Love that Stands from a man of equal Quality and Character.

Sincerely,
Dr Matt

Matt Moody, Ph.D.
Social Psychologist
ChangingYourStripes.com

* * * * * * *

The Greatest Prize
for Life's labors isn't
in material possessions
or impressive accomplishments,
but in the progress of personal character.
You labor for your own becoming, this is your richest reward.
Who You Become is your greatest possession,
make it your Masterpiece!
(Changing Your Stripes, 3rd Edition, page 274) 

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Social Psychologist & Personal Advisor