Social Psychologist & Personal Advisor

Dr Matt's Archive of Answers
to Burning Questions

My Boyfriend and I
  Are Having Problems with Sex

Hi Matt,

My name is Alecia. I'm 26 and live in Athlone, Ireland. Me and boyfriend have been going out for a year and a half. We've been having sex problems. This is my first sexual partner. We love each other very much. My boyfriend has been having performance trouble over the past year..ie since we started having sex and its making the relationship hard for us both.
 
I find not being close hard, and also I find it hard to relax thinking about of having sex because it rarely works out. I also find it hard that my boyfriend isn't relaxed and worries. its a vicious circle he worries i worry. Then he feels under pressure as he knows sex is important to me.
 
We never really had a break of sexual stress since we started. Its spiraled out of control. Were both sensitive and a little anxious in nature. I'll worry about relationships. He worries about any kind of performance (we're both musicians).
 
Can we work this out? Or does our similar personalities clash sexually. I sometimes feel if I was stronger and if sex didn't matter to me it might help the situation but at the same time i have to be true to myself. Would you have any suggestions how to overcome this?

Thanks,
Alecia

Related Articles: Ontological Assumptions: Why Do I Exist? What is the Purpose of Life?

Dear Alecia:

Yes, you can "work this out," depending upon what "work this out" means to you. For example, YOU can absolutely make choices, now and in the future, that will lead to a personal sense of inner harmony — no worries! But if "work this out" means, making all the same choices you've been making, and then expecting to have fantastic worry-free sex . . . that will NOT happen.

You and your boyfriend are feeling negative emotions (such as worry, etc) for a reason! The emotional consequence of feeling "worried" is directly tied to certain choices you are making; and because the emotions you feel are negative, this points to the fact that you have not made a correct choice, somewhere along the line. AND, your boyfriend had not made a correct choice either.

What I call "B.R.I.A.R. Emotions" are Inner Disharmony that signal a person's betrayal of his or her own sense of inner Truth. Read about BRIAR Emotions.

I state your Response-Ability separately, so that you (and your boyfriend separately) will be clear that these emotional trouble will not simply go away IF, for example, you adjust your attitude: "if sex didn't matter to me."

The Creator has designed Life to be Self-Correcting: When you make incorrect choices . . . you will feel uneasy and restless — you will feel Inner Conflict. On the other hand, when you make correct choices . . . you will feel good, and life will flow comfortably -- you will NOT feel BRIAR Emotions.

At this website I explain a Key Principle of Life that will help you solve this problem, and all others that you face for the rest of your life. But the previous webpage only identifies a Key Truth, there is much more to learn about this True Principle. Here's a more detailed explanation.

As you learn to be honest with yourself, and learn to carefully listen to and then follow your own inner sense of Truth, you will discover the choice, or choices, you have made, that have led to the consequences of inner disharmony. Let me know what your Heart leads to do!?

Sincerely,
Dr Matt

Matt Moody, Ph.D.
Social Psychologist

* * * * * * *

The Journey

For this is the Journey that men make:
To find themselves. If they fail in this, it matters little
whatever else they may achieve: Money, Fame, Revenge.
When they end the Journey, they can put them all into
a bin marked “ashes.” They mean nothing.
But if one has found that he has within him
a divine soul, if he has discovered the principles
upon which the fulfillment of that soul is based, and
if he implements those principles, then he has a mansion
within which he can live with dignity
and joy each day of his life.
(Changing Your Stripes, 2nd Edition, page vi).

The Greatest Prize
for Life's labors isn't
in material possessions
or impressive accomplishments,
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You labor for your own becoming, this is your richest reward.
Who You Become is your greatest possession,
make it your Masterpiece!
(Changing Your Stripes, 2nd Edition, page 274).

The book, "Changing Your Stripes" presents principles for getting out of
the ditch in which you've been dumped (the difficulties of which you are a victim), and
the ditch in which you've jumped (the difficulties for which you volunteer).

"Mastering a challenging situation
is ultimately a matter of
mastering yourself!"
- Matt Moody 

"Changing Your Stripes," teaches you the principles that lead to lasting change,
making you a new kind of creature capable of communicating
with calm, even as storms of contention swirl.

If these principles resonate and ring true,
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Social Psychologist & Personal Advisor