Social Psychologist & Personal Advisor

Dr Matt's Archive of Answers
to Burning Questions

Can you suggest some Coping Mechanisms to deal with
 My Ridiculously Unhappy, Frustrating Life ?

Hi Dr Matt,
 
I am 22 years old, I live in the south of england. I'm in a relationship but have recently moved back in with my parents due to my attempt at an overdose following an abortion and a number of difficult times for me which my boyfriend couldn't deal with. I am copying some of my thoughts from my diary, as they best demonstrate some my inner feelings. Maybe you could suggest a few coping mechanisms

14 April 2010. I hate feeling this out of control.  Nothing in my life feels right anymore and I don’t even know where to start to fix it. I have no direction, no friends I can confide in anymore. I feel like nobody understands me and I hate my own personality. I have no motivation, and the more that things become out of control the more I become overwhelmed and don’t feel I can do any of it any more.

I desperately want somebody who just thinks the world of me and who wants to spend time with me, accept me for some of my weird ways and help me get through times when I am struggling.
I have a lot of anger this. I wonder exactly when and where it started to go backwards and how much of it was my fault.

Dr Matt comment: Crystal, every intent and emotion, thought and behavior that comes out of YOU . . . is YOUR Fault from this day forward — because you are old enough to be Response-Able <----- search that word at my website!

I hate what I see in the mirror, and the more that I hate it the more I do things which probably make it worse, i.e., Comfort eat. I can never seem to break this stupid cycle and it has dogged me for literally years now. I am ridiculously unhappy when I am fat, but then I am unhappy when I lose weight too. I don’t even know what makes me happy.

Everyone else seems to manage and be able to cope so easily and I am so frustrated that I can't. My insecurity and my self hatred ruin my relationship and I go off the handle about things which shouldn't’t really be a big deal.

I have no clothes which I feel nice in, but I don’t want to go shopping because I don’t feel good enough for anything new. I really need to sort myself out once and for all I just wish I knew how. I don’t know if being back at home with an uncertain future is what is giving me all these feelings of weirdness and insecurity.

I need to sort out my life. I need to do it for me, to prove I am worth something and can do it. I need to get back on top of motivating myself and take small steps to becoming more organised and independent and on top of things.

Dr Matt comment: YOU Motivating YOU . . . will NEVER work. This is a Head-heavy solution that has serious limitations that I explain at my website.

I used to be a very strong and highly motivated person, and It is almost like I am totally rebelling against this now by doing the  complete opposite. I am so unhappy.

Crystal

Dear Crystal:

What luck! You've found a person who knows that the best solution to your problem is absolutely NOT to find a few "coping mechanisms." It is infinitely superior to solve your situation completely, so you won't have to "cope" with it -- for "it" will no longer weigh upon your mind or your heart.

In my book, "Changing Your Stripes," I have a section entitled "Changing The Past" — a shocking assertion, yet absolutely true. But how can a person Change . . . something that cannot be Changed?

The Past can be changed, literally, as you understand WHAT the Past IS and WHAT the Present IS. The solution of "change" is NOT accomplished through some cheap mental trick like, "I'll simply tell myself that this black cat, is really a white cat" — No, this approach is the fake-it-till-you-make-it solution of positive mental attitude. Truth is, you will NEVER "make-it" using this Head-heavy techniques — again, mental programming has serious limitations.

The solution to your problems will NOT be found using Head techniques. The best and lasting solution happens through the Heart, . . . and NOT the Head. It's a deep subject, so I will not attempt to characterize the Heart Solution with a just few words. It's far too easy to dismiss pithy remedies, so I will NOT give you one. Understanding the process of Change that happens through the Heart requires a thorough explanation, diligent study, and patience over time.

Nevertheless, I can point you in the right direction. About 2,000 years ago, King Solomon, a man considered one of the world's wisest, said this:

"Keep thy heart with all diligence, for out of it are the issues of life."

When you understand the meaning of the "Heart" metaphor, then you will have a satisfying solution within your reach; a solution that will completely disappear this particular problem — as opposed to giving you a technique to "cope" with your problem. Hope . . . is infinitely better than Cope.

If you use the Search function at my website, and enter the keyword "Heart" you will find more information that will be helpful.

Sincerely,
Dr Matt

* * * * * * *

The Journey

For this is the Journey that men make:
To find themselves. If they fail in this, it matters little
whatever else they may achieve: Money, Fame, Revenge.
When they end the Journey, they can put them all into
a bin marked “ashes.” They mean nothing.
But if one has found that he has within him
a divine soul, if he has discovered the principles
upon which the fulfillment of that soul is based, and
if he implements those principles, then he has a mansion
within which he can live with dignity
and joy each day of his life.
(Changing Your Stripes, 2nd Edition, page vi).

The Greatest Prize
for Life's labors isn't
in material possessions
or impressive accomplishments,
but in the progress of personal character.
You labor for your own becoming, this is your richest reward.
Who You Become is your greatest possession,
make it your Masterpiece!
(Changing Your Stripes, 2nd Edition, page 274).

The book, "Changing Your Stripes" presents principles for getting out of
the ditch in which you've been dumped (the difficulties of which you are a victim), and
the ditch in which you've jumped (the difficulties for which you volunteer).

"Mastering a challenging situation
is ultimately a matter of
mastering yourself!"
- Matt Moody 

"Changing Your Stripes," teaches you the principles that lead to lasting change,
making you a new kind of creature capable of communicating
with calm, even as storms of contention swirl.

If these principles resonate and ring true,
then . . . this book is for you!

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Social Psychologist & Personal Advisor