Social Psychologist & Personal Advisor

Dr Matt's Archive of Answers
to Burning Questions

What Should I Do if my Boyfriend is
 Just Using Me for Sex?

1) hillary 
2) new york  
3) female 17
4) single
            
Hello Dr.Matt:

I was in a relationship with this guy who I was convinced really loved me, he is manic depressive which made things difficult sometimes. anyhow we were quite compatible with a very good sex life, however i was almost positive i was pregnant and when i told him he freaked and felt that i was trying to trap him, so he broke up and it was a clean break between us both.

However he is back in a relationship with his former ex only after a month...were friends now but we sleep together still but he has told me he is not in a relationship and doubts he will sleep with anyone ...but after sex he still kisses me and holds me and makes me promise him things, tells me how much he always misses me, calls me daily, and he grabbed my hand and kissed it and held it to his face for an hour ... and mentions getting a 2 bedroom apartment ...and i was supposed to go off for the military and his response was that he was worried men would want to sleep with me, which is apparent jealousy ...now obviously he doesn't love this girl if he's sleeping with me, but what the hells going on here ...my ex is acting very unusual, especially making casual sex be more than what its suppose to be...oh and before we broke up he had finally confessed the day before that he loved me, which is big for him because he's been cheated on a lot, i think that because the relationship progressed that far, he scared himself as well.

He constantly needs to have his hands on me as well as his eyes, and if were around other men and they talk to me he interrupts them, and does whatever he can in his power to get my attention ....he really shows the signs of being in love...but im so confused ....could he really love both me and his supposed girlfriend being bi polar or is it just me...ick but I really like some perspective on this, I'm too ashamed to tell my friend and family im sleeping with him!!!

thanks id very much appreciate it if you got back to me,
hilary

Hello Hillary:

I've highlighted key phrases in your email, to emphasize that the problem and the solution is found in your own words.

You write: "he really shows the signs of being in love...but im so confused"

You are confused because this man is NOT really showing the signs of "being in love." Instead, he is showing the signs of "using you" for selfish pleasure. If "love" was what he was giving you, then you would feel contentment and peace; plus, he would give you his full commitment without hesitation. The saying goes:

Men give love with the hope of getting sex, and
Women give sex with the hope of getting love:
Both are cheated.

Hillary, this man is using you and cheating you. He tells you that he "loves" you for the primary purpose of using your body for sexual pleasure. Again, this is why you feel confusion, and not contentment and peace.

In addition to "using you," this man shows all the signs of "control" -- as if you are his property. What you have written, verifies this conclusion:

               "tells me how much he always misses me, calls me daily"
               "he was worried men would want to sleep with me"
                "if we're around other men and they talk to me he interrupts them"
                "does whatever he can in his power to get my attention"

True Love is based upon Commitment, and not Control. True Love is NOT based upon a desire to use you, and control you, for sexual pleasure. Read about what True Love looks like.

As for his "bi-polar" behavior, his swings from being manic . . . to being depressed, happen because he does not have Light in his life -- a Light that shines from people who live with integrity. He is NOT living with integrity: He has a girlfriend (that is NOT you) and yet he is sleeping with you -- this is called "cheating." Ironically, you are willing to be his accomplice in crime.

The fact that you are "too ashamed to tell my friend and family im sleeping with him," is evidence that you know deep within you, that this relationship is wrong. If you would like to talk about this situation further, I offer a free telephone consultation with the purchase of my book.

Sincerely,
Dr Matt

Hillary writes again:

What to Say? Speaking Words from the Heart — Instead of a Script

Dr Matt:

Thank you so much, you've answered a lot of burning questions for me, What can i tell him as far as closure goes, I don't want to blame him or hurt him, I just need to know what generally i should say to him, next time he calls.

hillary

Hi Hillary:

There are thousands of therapists, psychologists, and counselors who would immediately supply you with a "script" for what to say "next time he calls." But there is a better way:

Whatever you say to him, it must come from your Heart. So the first thing you must do is get in touch with your Inner Truth — listen to the impressions of your Heart. When you have done this, you will be prepared to tell him what your Heart is saying, "next time he calls." Here's something I've written about Following Your Heart.

If you enjoy sexual pleasure MORE than you desire Inner Peace and Contentment, then you may be tempted to rationalize: If he's going to USE ME, I will simply USE HIM back and get my pleasure. But as you have discovered, merely getting pleasure is an empty experience that leads to being "confused."

When physical intimacy is shared between two committed partners, the experience is bonding and beautiful -- just as the Creator intended. Physical intimacy is a divine gift to be shared between two people who have exchanged Vows of Commitment and Love.

Heartache and Unhappiness results whenever two people simply use each other for sexual pleasure, when Love and Commitment and Vows are not in place. You can benefit from reading an answer I gave to a 16-year-old girl; it speaks of her personal urge for pleasure.

Refraining from "blaming him" is good. In this situation you get to OWN what you've been choosing to do, and he get to OWN all that he has been choosing too. This is the way I say it in my book:

If It Comes Out of You, . . . It Is Yours!

The Division of Response-Ability speaks to the fact that no one can make you, compel you, to feel as you do AND to do as you do. With that in mind, realize that whatever even if you choose to be True to your Heart, . . . he still has the choice to feel "hurt" — even though your have NOT been "hurtful" towards him. All humanity has the Inner Liberty to take offense and feel "hurt" — or not! And this means, everyone gets to OWN their Response-Ability — If It Comes Out of You, . . . It Is Yours!

Taking Offense IS Offensive! It requires much insight and experience to fully grasp this truth. Here's a fantastic quote from the Quotable Quotes page of my website.

Certainly clumsy, embarrassing, unprincipled, and mean spirited things
do occur in our interactions with other people that would tempt us to take offense.
However, ultimately it is impossible for another person to offend you or to offend me. Indeed, believing that another person offended us is fundamentally false.
To be offended is a choice we make; it is not a condition inflicted
or imposed upon us by someone or something else.
 - David A. Bednar 

Good luck with getting in touch with your Inner Truth, then speaking that Truth to your friend when he calls. If you follow the path of Being True, you will be happy and "confusion" will melt away like frost before the shining Sun.

Sincerely,
Dr Matt

* * * * * * *

The Journey

For this is the Journey that men make:
To find themselves. If they fail in this, it matters little
whatever else they may achieve: Money, Fame, Revenge.
When they end the Journey, they can put them all into
a bin marked “ashes.” They mean nothing.
But if one has found that he has within him
a divine soul, if he has discovered the principles
upon which the fulfillment of that soul is based, and
if he implements those principles, then he has a mansion
within which he can live with dignity
and joy each day of his life.
(Changing Your Stripes, 3rd Edition, page vi).

The Greatest Prize
for Life's labors isn't
in material possessions
or impressive accomplishments,
but in the progress of personal character.
You labor for your own becoming, this is your richest reward.
Who You Become is your greatest possession,
make it your Masterpiece!
(Changing Your Stripes, 3rd Edition, page 274).

The book, "Changing Your Stripes" presents principles for getting out of
the ditch in which you've been dumped (the difficulties of which you are a victim), and
the ditch in which you've jumped (the difficulties for which you volunteer).

"Mastering a challenging situation
is ultimately a matter of
mastering yourself!"
- Matt Moody 

"Changing Your Stripes," teaches you the principles that lead to lasting change,
making you a new kind of creature capable of communicating
with calm, even as storms of contention swirl.

If these principles resonate and ring true,
then . . . this book is for you!

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Social Psychologist & Personal Advisor