Social Psychologist & Personal Advisor

Below is Dr Matt's Answer
to a Burning Question

Why It Hurts, and How to Forget

Dear Dr Matt:

My name is Kayla. I live in Quebec, Canada. I'm female, 15 yrs and I'm Single.

Here's my situation: There is this guy that I was really going strong with. We weren't officially dating, we were just really good friends and we knew that we liked each other a lot. I had some family issues going on so I had to move away for a few weeks but then I moved back once everything got cleared up. He was still really interested in me, or so it seemed. Now he's "seeing" someone else.

I asked him if he was dating her, and he just said no; he's not calling it "dating," instead he's just "seeing her." I need to know how to get over him. I like him a lot and I have no idea how to stop liking him. Its hard. It hurts.

Thanks,
Kayla

Dear Kayla:

Let me ask you a question: Tell me what "going strong" looks like?

If it looks like "going strong" with great conversation and friendship, that is one thing; and
If it looks like "going strong" with great physical attraction and physical touching, that is entirely another.

I suggest that IF you were "going strong" in friendship and great conversation, you would not be hurting right now. If you are his friend, then you will want the best for him, to include pursuing those relationships with other girls that he prefers--and still, you can be his supportive friend.

Most likely, you have been "going strong" with your physical attraction and touching.

The sharing of physical intimacy is an expression and celebration that should be proportionate to the foundation of friendship, love, and commitment that has been established through time. When a couple goes too far and too fast with physical passion, without having built a strong foundation for this kind of physical relationship, then . . . things fall apart quite quickly—as it seems to have fallen apart for you.

I'm going to assume that he has at least kissed you. So, the reason you hurt now is because he is most likely sharing his kisses with the other girl that he is "not dating" and "just seeing" (yeah right).

Because he knows that dating this other girl is hurtful to you, this is precisely why he is denying that he is "dating" the other girl--for on a "date," surely there will eventually be hand holding, hugging, and kissing.

He is obviously aware that these activities betray any intimacy he has shared with you, so he is trying to hide it—but you and I both see right through his flimsy facade.

If you can learn the following lesson now, it will serve you for many years to come:

You cannot develop a relationship with a guy, unless he cooperates and freely gives his commitment. As you are building a foundation for friendship and love, you need to keep physical touching proportionate to the solidarity of friendship you share; through time, you need to know that this person is committed to you as your best friend.

Learn more about Attraction & Compatibility at this page of my website.

As time passes—and the commitment consistently continues and matures—it is then that you can celebrate your great connection of friendship and conversation through appropriate and proprotionate physical touching.

Ideally, the full expression of this celebration should be reserved for marriage. Why so?

Any person who just wants to have sex with you, without making a complete commitment to you, is a person that will eventually discard you after sex becomes routine—I've seen this happen a hundred times before, and when it happens, people hurt, just as you are now hurting.

Now, to the question of "forgetting." You will naturally and eventually forget as you FOCUS upon pursuing worthy goals and activities with people who inspire you, and lift you. Consider the alternative: FOCUSING upon a guy who is NOT choosing to be your best friend.

Dwelling upon yesterday's disappointments will always be depressing; whereas, FOCUSING upon tomorrow's discoveries and opportunities, this will inspire you and give you hope—and so you will naturally and comfortably forget yesterday's hurt.

Because you are 15 years old, I encourage you talk to your parents about this situation, and share the contents of this letter. Discuss this situation with them, and in the end, follow the advice of your parents.

Best Regards,

Matt Moody, Ph.D.
Social Psychologist

* * * * * * *

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Social Psychologist & Personal Advisor