Social Psychologist & Personal Advisor
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Hello Again Dr Matt:
That was the best advice ever and you are right. I am usually not insecure and I will change that and make sure I don't allow myself to stoop to that level.
Can I please ask one more question?
My fiance often argues with me about the clothes i wear and the makeup i put on and even to the extent of who am I emailing online..like right now. He is very jealous. Is there hope for him or do you think we need counseling.
He broke up with his ex and left her the house. We are passionately in love but trust is a huge issue in our relationship. He always thinks I am being sneaky when I love him to death and we are both committed to one another.
Good to hear from you again! (read Lolita's previous email)
It takes wisdom to understand wisdom.
Congratulations Lolita, you are hearing the music!
Let me ask you . . . what does "passionately in love" look like? And what does "I love him to death" mean? They will mean something that is concrete and real. The definition of your "in love" condition will boil down to something. Tell me what it is?
In the mean time. You are identifying some serious Red Flags:
1) My fiance often argues with me about the clothes i wear and the makeup
All these Red Flags point to this: Your fiance is a "controlling man." While your "passion" may keep your relationship alive for a few years, controlling tendencies will eventually eat away at your passion, until it will finally puts out the flame--I guarantee it.
Thus, your fiance absolutely needs to confront his issues, else there will surely be disappointment and heartache in your future. If you suggested to him that he needed to change his "controlling tendencies," what would be his response? Will he get angry, and possibly deny that he has a problem?
Yes, he needs some kind of intervention to help him change. If he would willingly read my book, "Changing Your Stripes," with an open mind, and an open heart . . . this would be a HUGE step in the right direction. My book directly addresses the process by which human beings are able to change! It is precisely the book he needs to read.
If he resists any suggestion that he needs to "change," again, the flames of your passion will eventually be extinguished by his controlling tendencies at some point in the future.
Right now, you have the MOST leverage and influence upon him that you will ever have, especially compared to AFTER you are married. I've seen it a hundred times. In fact, I just posted something at this website concerning a woman who was "fooled" by her fiance's false facade during courtship THEN after the marriage, the man she fell in love with completely CHANGED.
Let me know how he reacts when you lovingly invite him to confront his issues, for the sake of a fantastic future and that the flames of your passion will never die.
Matt Moody, Ph.D.
P.S. In a healthy relationship, you can expect the following:
1) How you put on make up and the way you wear your clothes are entirely YOUR PREROGATIVE, while it is his prerogative to kindly express his preferences, in the end, you hold the final veto vote, and will respect your decisions of cosmetic and clothing preference.
2) An emotionally healthy man has no need to "police" your emailing tendencies. If your communication online are honest and appropriate, and you give your word of honor to him that this is truly the case, an emotionally healthy man will "trust you."
3) Being a "very jealous" man means that he is NOT emotionally healthy. His jealously translates back to the issue of "trust." And as long as he does not "trust" you, . . . he must "police" your behavior and try to control you. Emotionally healthy men do not do this; especially as a partner expresses that she "loves him passionately." (He doesn't believe you, does he? If he loves you at the highest level--the love that stands--he will believe you!)
* Concerning the "Change" of which I speak . . . see this page at my website: Change Of Heart
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