Social Psychologist & Personal Advisor

Dr Matt's Archive of Answers
to Burning Questions

I Love Hooking Up with Women:
Was I Born that Way or Do I Have a Choice?

Hello Dr. Matt,

My name is Krista and i live in Liverpool, England. I am 20 years old and single. I basically just wanted to talk to someone who doesn't know me at all. I am not sure but I think I might be bisexual. I just wanted some advice and input. I have hooked up with my best friend who is a girl too many times to count and I absolutely love it. I have hooked up with plenty of guys as well but she always stands out in my mind. I 
don't know how to tell if I have feelings for her or if I just like to hook up with her because human sexual urges are driving me. It is very confusing, I hope to hear back from you!

Thanks,
Krista

Related Article: Same-Sex Attraction versus Acting On Your Inclinations
What Does the Bible Say about Same-Sex Marriage?

Dear Krista:

If you climb a ladder that leans against the wrong wall, no matter how high you climb, your eventual destination will be off. When we begin with a wrong question about life, this is like leaning a ladder against a wrong wall. 

There are better questions than ones you are asking; better "walls" against which you might lean your ladder, and then climb. For example: Why did God create human beings to have sexual urges in the first place? How do these intimate urges fit within His Plan and Purpose for Mortal Life?

First of all, whether you have inclinations to be "straight, gay, or bisexual," how you label yourself is unimportant. You are NOT your label; instead, you ARE the living reality of all your physical attributes plus all your expressive attributes — you are all the characteristics of your body and your be-ing. Your Body is the "noun" part of You, and your Be-ing is the "verb" aspect of all that You Are.

Clearly, You are not the words that describe you. Instead, You are the whole reality that is described by particular words. And You are not a FIXED entity either — like a Rock that stays the same through time. Instead, as a "Human Be-ing," You are capable of Becoming someone different than You presently are today, someone better than you presently are today. How you choose to live your life is of vital importance, for your choices determine Who You Become. Your choices will lead You to your Highest Fulfillment and Happiness, or something less.

There is an false implication is the words "I think I might be bisexual" — there is a suggestion that You have no choice about your sexual expressions. It is fairly common to hear someone say, "I'm gay and I was born this way." But to say "I was born this way" releases that person from being accountable for actions and choices. You see, if people are really Born This Way, then one of two conclusions is unavoidable:

1) Ultimately, God is responsible for Who You Are and What You Do; because if you are Born That Way, this implies that You are not free to choose to Be Another Way; or

2) Who You Are and What You Do is an accident of Evolution, and your destiny must be what Evolution has made you, and is making you — beyond your will to do otherwise.

In both scenarios, You must Be One Way, and you are not free to Be Another Way.

Now it is mostly true that You cannot change your biological inheritance. So in a physical sense, You Are . . . Born This Way — either with a male or a female Body. Generally speaking, human beings are born with a certain biological inheritance (though some people make physical changes through surgery).

But in terms of Be-ing — your expressive, communicative attributes — you have freedom to choose to Become different and better than Who You Are today.

In either of the previous two scenarios, there are logical problems:

First, does "choice" have any meaning if there is only one Way of Be-ing that You can Be, and you can't choose to Be Another Way? In light of the overwhelmingly obvious reality of human choice, think about this statement: "I'm gay and I was born that way" or "but I think I might be bisexual."

Don't these statements deny the possibility of choosing to Be Another Way? And more importantly, is there a compelling reason why you should choose to Be Another Way?

Here's a second problem with the two unavoidable scenarios, that come into play . . . IF people are really Born This Way:

What of people who "think" they are natural born killers? Have you heard of such people? It is possible that certain people are serial killers because that is Who They Are from birth — they were Born This Way and literally can't choose to be otherwise?

Again if this is true, then either 1) God made them that way or 2) Nature has evolved them into being serial killers. In both scenarios, there exists no free will to choose to Be Another Way.

For a moment, let's assume that the God of the Bible is the Creator of this world, and He created You and Me in it. On the day of Judgment, when all of humanity will stand before God to account for their choices in mortal life, how do you think this phrase will fly if the natural born killer says to the Almighty:

"It wasn't my false, You created me to do what I have done; I was born this way!"

 If this statement were true, that makes an Omniscient God somewhat stupid for creating a person destined to be bad, unable to express free will to choose otherwise. And what of the innocent people who were killed by the alleged natural born killer? Where is God's Perfect Justice in that unfair scenario?

A Supreme Being endowed with enough power and wisdom to create this world and billions of people in it, is more likely NOT so stupid. Hence, there must be an alternative explanation instead of "I was born this way and have no free will to choose otherwise" — only a god who is not so smart would do that, a god who can only offer flawed justice.

To be clear, I'm not drawing a parallel, or moral equivalence, between people assumed to be "natural born killers" and people who have a certain sexual inclinations, currently. No, what I'm doing is citing two examples where certain people justify their inclinations with the phrase: "I was Born This Way."

Besides being born with biological plumbing that cannot be changed (short of surgery), God created You and Me to "Be" Accountable for our choices — that is how an infinitely wise and loving God would do it, and has done it! Why? Because only within a world of complete accountability can there be Justice. And the history of choices that each person makes, combines to shape Who We Become, our Be-ing — the part of us that is not Fixed, but is Fluid, moldable, and changable.

But whether you believe that you are a child of God or the offspring of Evolution, you will come to know which ontological beginning is true, because Life Experience will naturally teach you! How so?

Observe the Correlations of Life: One Way of thinking and behaving will bear the satisfying fruit of fulfillment and happiness, and other ways will deliver something less, and leave you wanting. Krista, the way you experience your world is directly correlated to the choices You are making:

Choose well and your life will be well.
Choose worse and your life will be worse.

Pay attention to the consequences connected to your choices; these correlations will teach you whether your thinking and your actions are well or worse.

When you feel dark emotions — feel depressed, anxious, or confused — these emotional consequences reflect the choices you have made in prior days, these consequences reveal whether your choices were well or worse.

You and I exist for a higher purpose than to merely get high on hooking up with either men or women; we do not exist just to satisfy carnal urges — Life Consequences will eventually confirm the truth of my words. The pathway to finding our Purpose is discovered in a Journey:

The Journey

For this is the Journey that mortals make:
To find themselves. If they fail in this, it matters little
whatever else they may achieve: Money, Fame, Revenge, Pleasure.
When they end the Journey, they can put them all into
a bin marked “ashes.” They mean nothing.
But if one has found that she has within her
a divine soul, if she has discovered the principles
upon which the fulfillment of that soul is based, and
if she implements those principles, then she has a mansion
within which she can live with dignity
and joy each day of her life.

Pay attention to the correlations in your Life: Pay attention to the consequences that result from your choices:

Choose well and your life will be well.
Choose worse and your life will be worse.

Sincerely,

Matt Moody, Ph.D.
Social Psychologist

* * * * * * *

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Social Psychologist & Personal Advisor