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Dear Dr. Matt,
My name is Nicole, age 27 and living in Nashville, Tennessee, USA, and I am single, never married. My situation has to do with my boyfriend, age 30, also in Nashville and never married. He and I have been together for 7 months. When we first started dating he lived with his parents, as he had just gotten out of the military. His parents live about an hour away, so he was coming to see me on weekends mostly and a few times during the week.
Our sex life was great in the beginning, we never had any problems. Then about 3 months into the relationship he got a job on my side of town, which was about 5 minutes from my apartment. Rather than commuting every day, he began staying at my place, and eventually moved in.
Ever since he moved in, our sex life has stopped. At first it dwindled down, but then it came to a complete halt. It has now been nearly 2 months since we have had sex. He has lost two different jobs since living here, and says that his lack of sex drive is from stress, but I feel that there is more going on. He has absolutely no interest in sex right now, and I cannot help but feel that it is me. Can you please offer me some insight as to what could be going on here?
Related Articles: Ontological Assumptions: Why Do I Exist? What is the Purpose of Life?
First, what is happening with your boyfriend is absolutely NOT about you. How do I know this? Because STRESS and LACK OF LIBIDO are coming out of him — thus, these feelings belong to him. Excerpts from my book will explain the Principle that applies: After the Overview, read the next bold heading entitled, The Division of Response-Ability:
Rule of Thumb: If It Comes Out of You . . . It is Yours!
Second, "Psychology" is a category of concepts created by mortal; at best, Psychology is one subset of the Truth: Knowledge of Reality as it Was and Will Be; Truth is a correct understanding about the way Life Is. Pursuing of Truth is superior to seeking answers to "Psychology Questions."
The emotional consequence of feeling "stressed" and "lack of libido" are directly tied to certain choices your boyfriend has made, and is making; because these feelings are negative, this points to the fact that, somewhere along the line, he has not made correct choices.
What I call "B.R.I.A.R. Emotions" are Inner Disharmony that signal a person's betrayal of inner Truth. Whether he knows it or not, and whether he agrees with it or not: Your boyfriend is caught IN THE BRIAR. Read about BRIAR Emotions.
The Creator has designed Life to be Self-Correcting: When you make incorrect choices . . . you will feel uneasy and restless and stressed — this is Inner Conflict points to your betrayal of Truth. On the other hand, when you make correct choices . . . you will feel good, life will flow comfortably, and you will NOT feel BRIAR Emotions; thus, you will know that have made correct choices.
The following information explains a Key Principle of Life that will help you solve this problem, and all other problems you will face for the rest of your life. The previous explanation briefly identifies a Key Truth, but there is much more to learn about it. Here's a detailed explanation of the Heart Metaphor.
As you and your boyfriend learn to be honest with your own Inner Truth; and learn to carefully listen to and follow this inner sense of Truth, you will discover the choices each of you have made that have led to the negative consequences you are experiencing.
The Truths I share are not temporary tools to be used today and then discarded tomorrow; these Powerful Principles should be upon your mind and your heart for the rest of your life — you need to think about and study these Truths for a lifetime.
If your boyfriend does not get "on board" with the process of becoming a better person by applying True Principles, then as you continue your relationship with him, he will eventually divert you away from the Truth; OR . . . he has an opportunity to come to a unity with you. Not a Unity of just agreeing with You, but a Unity of being in harmony with the Truth; because You will choose to be in harmony with the Truth — at least, I hope you will.
It's one or the other: either he joins you in Harmony, or he disagrees into Disharmony. When Harmony and Happiness are flowing in your Life, then you will know that you and your boyfriend have made correct choices.
Many people think that Philosophy is about finding wise answers, but that is only half of it; the Best Philosophy is about finding correct questions to ask from the start — instead of diving into a pursuit of answers. Asking Wrong Questions is like leaning a ladder against the wrong wall: No matter how high your climb, your eventual destination will be OFF. So, Excellent Philosophy is about leaning a ladder against the correct wall BEFORE commencing to climb.
I have supplied you with a Solid Starting Point, a Correct Question: Now it's up to you to climb! If you're serious about fixing your situation, I invite you to write back and I will answer any questions you may have.
Matt Moody, Ph.D.
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